The Lie of Either/Or: Why Wholeness Is the Future of Leadership
If you’ve ever been asked, “Do you want to be taken seriously, or do you want to be liked?” you know the trap. It’s a false choice leaders—especially women—are handed again and again.
We’re told we can be respected or warm. Strategic or compassionate. Powerful or kind.
This is the lie of either/or.
And here’s the truth: either/or is exhausting. It forces us to split ourselves in half to survive.
The Cost of Splitting
At first, the split is subtle. You adjust your tone so you won’t be called “too direct.” You polish your emails until they sound professional—but not too emotional. You replay conversations, second-guessing whether you came across as confident or likable enough.
You tell yourself you’re just being strategic. Just adapting.
But over time, those adjustments stop feeling optional. They become the default. And slowly, you lose track of your unfiltered voice. You stop asking what you really think. You start to believe your worth lies in how well you can contort yourself to fit the room.
The cost is high: anxiety, exhaustion, burnout. Success that looks good on the outside but feels hollow on the inside.
Beyond Balance
For years, the advice has been: find balance. Balance your ambition with rest. Balance your heart with your head. Balance strategy with softness.
But balance is just another performance. Another way of managing compartments.
Balance says you can have both—so long as you keep them separate and perfectly measured. Don’t tip too far in either direction.
Wholeness is something else.
Wholeness says clarity and compassion, structure and spirit, strength and softness can exist together, without apology.
Balance measures. Wholeness reclaims.
The Integration Compass
So how do we get back to wholeness when everything around us pushes us into either/or?
I use something I call the Integration Compass: four simple practices that reorient us whenever the ache of performance shows up.
The Presence Reset: Before responding, pause for one breath. Ask yourself, Am I speaking from clarity or from fear of being misperceived?
Power Rooting: When you feel the urge to over-prove, press your feet into the ground and silently repeat, I am already grounded.
The Purpose Filter: At the end of each day, ask: Did I choose urgency, or did I choose what truly matters?
The Alignment Check: Each week, name one decision you made from wholeness. Write it down.
These practices are simple, repeatable, and doable in the flow of everyday leadership. They are less about perfection and more about returning—again and again—to your center.
Why This Matters
The lie of either/or doesn’t just drain individual leaders. It stifles teams and organizations. When leaders split themselves, they send an unspoken message: belonging here is conditional. Speak carefully. Stay in line. Don’t bring too much of yourself.
But when leaders model wholeness, they create cultures where others can show up whole, too. Presence slows down urgency. Power becomes rooted, not rehearsed. Purpose cuts through noise. Alignment makes integrity contagious.
Leadership stops being about survival. It becomes about embodiment.
Your Turn
Where are you still living by an either/or script?
What would change if you chose wholeness instead?
Try one of the Compass practices this week. Notice what shifts—for you, and for the people around you.
Because leadership isn’t about choosing between being respected or being real. It’s about integrating.
You don’t have to choose. You are both.