The Lie of Either/Or: Reclaiming Wholeness in Leadership
If you’ve ever been asked, “Do you want to be taken seriously, or do you want to be liked?” you already know the trap. It’s a question that demands you split yourself in two — respected or warm, strategic or compassionate, powerful or kind.
This is the lie of either/or.
And it’s one of the most pervasive scripts shaping leadership today — especially for women and other leaders who don’t fit the dominant mold.
The Quiet Ache of Splitting
The ache shows up quietly at first.
You adjust your tone in meetings so you won’t be called “too direct.”
You polish your emails until they sound professional—but not “too emotional.”
You laugh at the right time in conversations while feeling strangely outside of yourself.
You replay interactions later, second-guessing whether you came across as confident or likable enough.
You tell yourself you’re just being strategic. Just adapting.
But over time, these adjustments stop feeling optional. They become the default. You lose track of your unfiltered voice. You stop asking what you really think. You start to believe your worth lies in how well you can contort yourself to fit the room.
The cost? Anxiety, exhaustion, and burnout. Success that looks shiny on the outside but feels hollow on the inside.
Why Balance Isn’t the Answer
For years, the leadership advice has been: find balance.
Balance your ambition with rest. Balance your head with your heart. Balance strategy with softness.
But balance is still a performance. It requires managing compartments and carefully rationing your energy. Balance says you can have both — but only if you keep them separate and perfectly measured. Don’t tip too far in either direction.
Wholeness is something else entirely.
Wholeness says clarity and compassion, structure and spirit, strength and softness can exist together, unapologetically.
Balance measures. Wholeness reclaims.
A New Way Forward: The Integration Compass
So how do we return to wholeness in leadership when the world keeps pulling us into either/or?
I use something I call the Integration Compass: four simple practices that help leaders reorient themselves when the ache of performance shows up.
The Presence Reset: Before responding, pause for one breath. Ask yourself, Am I speaking from clarity or from fear of being misperceived?
Power Rooting: When you feel the urge to over-prove, press your feet into the ground and silently repeat, I am already grounded.
The Purpose Filter: At the end of each day, ask: Did I choose urgency, or did I choose what truly matters?
The Alignment Check: Each week, name one decision you made from wholeness. Write it down.
These practices are simple, repeatable, and practical in the flow of everyday leadership. They don’t ask you to be perfect. They invite you to return — again and again — to your center.
The Ripple Effect: Why This Matters
The lie of either/or doesn’t just drain individual leaders. It shapes entire organizational cultures.
When leaders split themselves, they send an unspoken message: belonging here is conditional. Speak carefully. Stay in line. Don’t bring too much of yourself.
This conditional belonging is costly. It erodes trust, stifles creativity, and drives out diverse voices. Innovation dies in cultures where people feel they must perform instead of show up whole.
But when leaders model wholeness, the effect ripples.
Presence slows urgency. One leader pausing before responding changes the tempo of the room, making dialogue feel possible instead of performative.
Power becomes rooted. A manager who admits “I don’t know yet” normalizes uncertainty and removes the shame of imperfection.
Purpose cuts through noise. A VP who filters decisions through what truly matters shifts teams away from chasing every urgent request and toward long-term impact.
Alignment makes integrity contagious. A leader who names a decision made from wholeness models equity and integrity as expectations, not aspirations.
Leadership stops being about survival. It becomes about embodiment.
Stories We Know Too Well
I’ve coached and worked alongside women who tell me the same story again and again:
A young manager calibrates every sentence so she won’t sound “too emotional.” She feels like she has two jobs — leading her team and proving she deserves to lead.
A VP practices her “resting face” in the mirror before meetings so she won’t be called angry when she’s simply thinking.
A Latina manager straightens her hair for executive meetings because her natural curls are “safe” only on Fridays.
Different women. Different roles. Same currency: compliance, silence, self-editing.
The more you pay, the more exhausted you become. Until one day, you realize the seat you fought for was never built for your full weight.
That’s the cost of either/or.
Your Turn
So where are you still living by an either/or script?
Do you soften your clarity to stay likable?
Do you prove your power at the expense of your presence?
Do you say yes to urgency while starving your purpose?
Do you trade pieces of yourself to belong?
The Integration Compass gives you a way back: Reset, Root, Filter, and Check.
Try one this week. Pause before responding. Ground yourself before proving. Filter urgency through purpose. Name one decision you made from wholeness.
Notice what shifts — not just for you, but for the people around you.
Closing Call
Leadership isn’t about choosing between being respected or being real. Between being strategic or being soulful. Between being taken seriously or being yourself.
That’s the lie of either/or.
The truth is, leadership isn’t about choosing. It’s about integrating.
You don’t have to choose. You are both.