The Ache We Don’t Talk About in Leadership
Most leadership articles begin with a success story. A case study. A polished example of what went right.
But I want to begin here: With the quiet hum under success. With the moment you arrive where you thought you were supposed to be, and instead of celebration you feel a subtle dissonance.
I call it the ache.
The ache is not burnout. Burnout is a roaring fire that consumes. The ache is gentler but no less powerful—it’s a whisper that says, Not quite. Not like this.
And if you’re a woman in leadership, I’d wager you know it intimately.
Where the Ache Shows Up
It shows up in the Sunday night dread before a Monday morning full of back-to-back meetings. It shows up in the pause you feel before voicing an idea—will it be heard, or dismissed until someone else repeats it? It shows up in the constant negotiation between being seen as competent and being seen as “likable.”
The ache doesn’t announce itself with a crisis. It arrives in the quiet moments when no one else is watching. And it’s easy to dismiss. After all, your résumé is polished. Your calendar is full. You’ve achieved what others are striving for. Shouldn’t that be enough?
But the ache is not failure. It’s wisdom.
Why We Ignore It
Most of us are trained to override our internal compass in the name of external success. From an early age, we’re rewarded for meeting expectations, performing, fitting the mold. By the time we step into leadership roles, the habit is hardwired.
So when the ache surfaces, we label it weakness. We double down. Work harder. Smile wider. Pretend louder.
This is why so many high-achieving women feel a sense of disconnection even as they rise. Outwardly, they’re thriving. Inwardly, they’re navigating a quiet erosion of presence, joy, and authenticity.
The Cost of Ignoring the Ache
The ache doesn’t go away when you ignore it. It deepens. Slowly, it turns into:\n- Performative leadership. You’re in the role, but it feels like an act.
Erosion of self-trust. You stop listening to your gut, relying on external validation instead.
Conditional belonging. You fit in, but you don’t feel at home in yourself.
I’ve been there. Which is why I wrote Lead Like You Mean It. Not because I had all the answers, but because I knew the questions we weren’t asking.
The Ache as Compass
Here’s what I’ve learned: the ache isn’t a glitch. It’s guidance.
It’s your internal compass—your True North—telling you something is out of alignment.
Alignment doesn’t mean perfection. It means that your values, your presence, and your actions are pointed in the same direction. And when you realign, leadership transforms. You stop performing and start embodying. You stop chasing milestones and start living from purpose.
Moving from Ache to Alignment
So how do you begin? Not by overhauling your life overnight. By starting small. By treating the ache not as a problem to fix but as a signal to follow.
Here are three practices I share with women in leadership:
Name the Ache. Where is it showing up for you? In relationships? In your calendar? In the gap between what you say yes to and what you really want? Naming it is the first step to reclaiming agency.
Pause Before “Yes.” Many of us are conditioned to say yes quickly. Practice giving yourself 24 hours before committing. Often, the ache lives in those automatic yeses that override your deeper no.
Body as Compass. Alignment doesn’t live in your head—it lives in your body. Notice when your body feels tight, heavy, resistant versus when it feels open, expansive, at ease. That’s wisdom, not weakness.
What Changes When You Listen
When you begin listening to the ache, three things shift:\n- Power: You stop outsourcing it to titles or recognition. Power becomes a resource within you, not a reward given to you.
Presence: You move from performance to authenticity. People feel you as much as they hear you.
Purpose: You stop climbing ladders that don’t belong to you and start building paths that do.
This is the integration work—the move from fragmentation to wholeness. It’s what I call leading like you mean it.
Why This Matters Now
We’re in a moment where leadership models are being rewritten. Hybrid work, generational shifts, social reckonings—all of these demand a new kind of leadership. And yet most advice given to women is still about fitting into old molds: “Lean in harder. Speak louder. Push more.”
But the ache tells a different story. It tells us that the path forward isn’t about leaning into broken systems. It’s about leading from alignment, integration, and wholeness.
This isn’t just personal. It’s systemic. When leaders show up aligned, organizations shift. Cultures shift. Futures shift.
A Question for You
So here’s my question today:
What would happen if you stopped treating the ache as failure—and started trusting it as wisdom?
Because maybe the ache isn’t here to slow you down. Maybe it’s here to lead you home.
Final Note
This is the journey I’m writing about in Lead Like You Mean It - helping women leaders move from ache to alignment, from performance to presence. If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. Where is the ache showing up in your leadership today?